I had thought that today I’d share a recipe with you folks. However, Tuesday night, a friend shared a Facebook essay written two years ago on the subject of fat-shaming and weight loss. It’s a profoundly disturbing piece; while I agree with many if not most of the author’s observations, I cannot and do not agree with her conclusions. I’ve copied the essay into a .pdf file; assume that the essay is protected by copyright law and be careful how you use or re-publish it.
Ijeoma’s Story
The writer, Ijeoma Oluo, tells us she decided to lose weight after a boyfriend sexually assaulted her. This wasn’t her first assault experience; she had been sexually abused as a child and had already left an abusive husband. “And when I tried to figure out why — why someone who so many people had repeatedly said had so much going for her would be hurt so often, I settled on my weight. I decided that as long as I was fat, nobody who wasn’t abusive was going to want to be with me. … So much cultural messaging says that if you are fat, you should be grateful for whatever love you can get — even if that love isn’t love at all.”
So Ijeoma lost weight. And she found that “Every horrible voice in my head, every bit of horrible anti-fat messaging from society was validated.” She grew angry … or perhaps I should say angrier. Ijeoma “resented every compliment, every smile, every establishment where the seats just fit my now smaller ass, every employer that saw me as more professional — I resented it all while desperately clinging to it, terrified that the moment I stopped dedicating my every waking moment to shrinking myself, the world would go back to treating me like a failure, and I would no longer be allowed to love myself.”
So Ijeoma quit (or gave up, depending on your presuppositions). She gained all the weight back and more, but over the years she also “packed my life with more accomplishments than I had ever before imagined. Or, these are the years I got fat again — it depends on who you ask.” Ijeoma now proclaims, “I love fat people, I love fat me. And I don’t love the people who decided that I only mattered when I was no longer fat.”
The Demons of Self-Hatred
How can I not empathize with Ijeoma? I know something of where she’s coming from. I know the “horrible voices” in her head because they’ve been in mine, too. (Don’t ask her for a date. She’d never go out with you, you fat slob.) I know what it’s like to be judged unworthy because of my weight, to be the object of cruel humor and nasty labels, to be discriminated against because I don’t fit social expectations. (“Extra-wide boots for an extra-wide body, huh, Private?”) I know what it’s like to pay the “fat tax”, the higher price for clothes that fit, to find there are things I can’t do and places that I can’t go because I weigh too much, to have to take a seat instead of a booth in a restaurant because of my buffalo butt and huge gut.
I also know that the voices in my head are the demons of Self-Hatred and that they can’t be trusted to tell the truth. They want me to cooperate in my self-destruction.
Obesity is not a natural condition. That’s to say, it’s not an attribute of a body and mind working at optimum health, working the way they’re supposed to. While sometimes it can come from physical or genetic disorders, psychosocial and environmental issues are far more common. In her own story, Ijeoma gives us two contributing psychosocial factors: 1) Her mother was also obese, which points to a toxic “food script” (learned behaviors imprinted by family rituals, behavior patterns, beliefs, and culture); and 2) she was sexually abused as a child, which often leads children to use food to cope with the pain and despair. There may be others. And psychic damage isn’t something you just “get over” like a hurdle or a bad cold.
Certainly, fat-shaming reinforces these factors and contributes
to low self-worth. But it’s not healing to insist that you’re okay, fat is
beautiful, and it’s the haters who need to be fixed. Self-pity should never be taken
for self-love. And fixing (or shifting) the blame isn’t fixing the problem.
Don’t Give Up
The Journal
of Lancaster General Hospital notes that “cognitive therapy and
cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) have become an important aspect of the
treatment of obesity. Cognitions influence both feelings and behaviors, and
they cannot be ignored when treating obesity. CBT is utilized in the treatment
of obesity as a way to help individuals change their negative eating behaviors
and incorporate healthy lifestyle changes.” It may be best to seek counseling
and therapy before beginning a weight-loss program, especially if you were
physically, sexually, or emotionally abused as a child or were sexually
assaulted prior to your weight gain. Those who do show more likelihood of
regaining a healthy weight.
From the outside world, I would ask not for more
accommodation for the obese but for more compassion. For while not all of us
have had the terrible childhood experiences that Ijeoma had, we have all
suffered from your contempt, your cruelty, your well-meant but ignorant
criticisms, and your self-righteous judgmentalism. While it has sometimes
motivated us to lose weight, it has more often made matters worse for us — it
has actually helped to keep us fat and self-loathing. If you can’t help us to
heal, you can at least shut up and not add to the harm.
To those on the inside, my obese friends who are wrestling
with the demons of Self-Hatred, I ask you: Please, don’t give up. Don’t be
afraid to ask for help. Self-pity is a drug that kills the soul. Don’t let your
victimization define you. That’s just another way the demons win. And if you do
make it to a healthy weight, don’t become like them; choose carefully the words you use to encourage the rest of
us.
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